Hot Rats StoryTime Theater
John Wood Takes a Nap (or The Amazing Mayonnaise Bridge)
By Channing McCleod (Hot Rattus Emeritus)
At some point during our third year in the Architecture program at Georgia Tech, we ‘enjoyed’ yet another series of long days and nights to ‘finish’ projects that were without hope of completion or success. One of our merry cast (John Wood to name names) was having an exceptionally hard time getting his ‘banjo trusses’ and fabric sculpture roofing to morph into…..well, anything. Some of you may also remember that John was dealing with some depression during this episode….but I digress. After pulling his collective crap together, and staying up for 2 or 3 days straight, John pulled off his project and had something worth presenting to the jury…..with minutes to spare….
Meanwhile, other less mentally consumed Hot Rats had paid a visit to the student center for a culinary delight……and returned to the Architecture building with sandwiches…..and condiments…..food was consumed and satiation abounded.
The jury commenced and self-important, strutting, bored, poor, tired John beyond tears….he….just….had….to…..sleep……..and bob/weave/dip/drool/slump/sleep he did….until he achieved peaceful bliss with his head swiveled 90 degrees straight back and his jaw hanging slack…..his mouth open almost 2 inches…..(like a turkey looking up to see the rain and then drowning while fascinated that water could fall from the sky). As John’s breathing grew deeper, and he drifted away….nudges, pokes, winks, and giggles were exchanged by fellow giddy Rats…..then a most important lesson was learned…..”A well rested Rat is safer than an exhausted one.”
Scott Morris, (you remember, Army ROTC, spiked blonde hair, white Camaro….) had condiments left over from his lunch. Specifically, mayonnaise …….and Scott was never one to waste materials….or opportunities…..Scott decided to add ‘flavor’ John’s dream. At first, I honestly believe Scott was just going to squirt the mayonnaise into John’s mouth, but Scott had a revelation….he would create a ‘span’ across John’s gaping pie hole. Thickly oozing the mayonnaise onto John’s lower lip, Scott slowly arched the white mass across the void and planted the end firmly at the base of John’s nostrils…..John slept…..sweetly…..breath after tepid ‘unbrushed teeth’ breath…..slowly undermining the structural integrity of the ‘Arch de Mayo’ and causing it to slowly, ever so slowly, sag. A silently ticking mayonnaise time bomb.
The anticipation was horrible…..when would it fail? What is the tensile strength of mayonnaise? What will John do? The jurors babbled happily along, pleased that these Rats were so riveted and focused……and we were riveted and focused…on John’s slack jawed, mouth agape face…..and Scott’s amazing mayonnaise bridge…..it lasted almost 20 minutes….and then, like the Tacoma Narrows Bridge, the white and slightly clear around the edges mayonnaise bridge began to sway in John’s warm, marshy breath….sag ….sag….sway…. sag….sag….. stretch…..sag….sway…..and then it just slipped away like a sinking ship easing into the deep….sliding silently out of sight.
*BLINK* John’s body went rigid as his eyes searched for focus…..his mind racing to identify the familiar yet unwelcome substance in his mouth.*SMACK…..SMACK* John closed his mouth slowly raising his head….*GAG* *PANIC* John, motivated by primal instincts, lurched to his feet and traversed the twenty odd feet to the restroom in world record time…..to evacuate the contents of his mouth….only to stalk quietly back to the jury minutes later…..with Rats laying on the floor in tears and in pain from the efforts of containing such volumes of laughter…He was not amused……he was not pleased…..he was nauseated……
To date, not many have discussed the events described here….and as far as I know John never knew that Scott was the engineer of the Amazing Mayonnaise Bridge……
— Channing McLeod
The events depicted here may in fact be the deranged ramblings of an adult who simply wishes to make their college experience sound more exciting. The memories found herein are the property of the collective conciousness of the HOT RATS and may in no way be used as evidence in a court of law, since the statute of limitations for “reckless architecture” has long since run out. This article and the contents therein may not be reprinted without the express written consent of the author(s).