Dragon Hoarders

For those of you who’ve been reading me here (and elsewhere) you know that I’ve rather become a fan of science fiction conventions and the people who attend them. I love that there exists a safe harbor in this world for the myriad nerds and social misfits who communicate their innermost feelings via witty T-shirts and long rambling tirades regarding the inefficiency of Model 7 dilithium articulation frames. I celebrate the fact that there’s a place where nobody cares if you look (and often smell) funny… a place where sexy actresses are paid to sit inches away from drooling dorks while autographing photos of themselves sporting leather thongs.

However, the thing that I cannot love, that I cannot endorse, is the tacky shit that some of you nerds purchase when nobody is looking. The thing is, I’m worried. I’ve been reading about the dangers of hoarding and I believe that it’s high time that we turned the media spotlight on the sordid industry which supports your nasty little fetish.

That’s right, I’m talking to you, Dragon Hoarders… you people who are obsessed with those enormous flying lizards of myth, fabled for guarding their hidden hoards of golden treasure.

Oh the irony!

Don’t think we haven’t noticed the dragon statues lining your cubicle at the office. And the dragon mouse pad next to your dragon coffee mug underneath your dragon poster?

Seen ’em, hate ’em.

The “Don’t blame me I voted for a Dragon” bumper sticker is the real reason we never let you drive us to lunch, and the brand new Dragon Calendar you hung up yesterday has resulted in three transfer requests from your cubemates. The Dragon Porn that the IT guy found on your computer? Well of course he liked it have you seen him??!!!

See, the thing is, we’re not mad at you.

We’re nerds too, we understand that this is your own “special thing”. We just think that you’re being taken advantage of by the businesses which enable your particular form of mental illness.

Specifically, businesses like The Hamilton Collection, which make atrocities like “Poker Dragons“. That’s right, “Poker Dragons”. I’m not making that up, that’s not a typo, and the following image has not been photoshopped…

Did you SEE that??

It’s a bunch of dragons sitting around a card table playing poker!!!!!!

LOOK AGAIN!!!

That’s right, I’m showing it twice because it’s THAT OUTRAGEOUS!!!

In what corner of the universe did someone say to themselves “You know, it would really round out the quality of my ‘museum quality collection’ of tatty dragon figurines if I had four dragons playing cards whilst being waited on by a serving wench dragon”.

Because, I mean, who doesn’t think of poker when they think of dragons?

Or cuckoo clocks for that matter.

That’s right, I said cuckoo clocks.

Take a gander at the “First-ever Dragon Cuckoo Clock” by The Bradford Exchange (to satisfy your timeless quest for power, naturally).

The Bradford Exchange is another of these “Ivy League” rings of fiends who appeal to your dragon hoarding instincts with tantalizing product features like: “sculpted dragon ‘cuckoo’ announces each hour with a roar” (which you, should you elect to click the link, will agree sounds more like a failing water pump on a three-wheeled 1973 Chevy Malibu), and “impressively styled at over 2 feet high!” (as if anything smaller would be less tacky).

But never fear, The Hamilton Collection (another classy sounding bunch of brutes who prey upon you low-willpowered dragon hoarding freaks) returns with a real treasure: “The Fiery Youngbloods” billed as the “Ultimate Dragon Rock Band” figurine collection. By now you know that I’m not making this up… take a look…

Yes. It’s a bunch of guitar playing, leather pants wearing, big 80s hair styling rock and roll dragons – complete with keyboard, drum kit and amp. And the “issue price” for each figurine?

A snip at only $19.95 each!! (A bargain at any price.)

I mean!!

These dragon making hooligans certainly wouldn’t go to all the trouble of printing up the deluxe mailers (which inexplicably continue to show up in my mailbox) if these dragon-centric products didn’t actually exist… which tells me that somebody out there is actually “collecting” this stuff.

So who’s buying this stuff?
We’re going to find out eventually.

I fully anticipate seeing an episode of “Hoarders” devoted to one of you dragon collectors being buried alive by the thrilling “Sword of the Dragon Warrior” collection, which, interestingly, presents “sculpted Dragon plates on a handcrafted sword display”.

Yes, it’s real, and it can be yours for only $40 per plate (note that there are three plates and the decorative sword display mounting is going to cost you an additional $40).

That’s a grand total of $160 to us non-dragon collectors.

You know, the more I read how much money these dragon pimps are charging you guys for their shoddy merchandise the more I begin to think that you dragon hoarders have the right idea. I mean, I could continue to harangue you in an attempt to make you see the strangeness of your ways, or I could take advantage of your predilection for winged lizards to my own financial advantage!

So today I’m happy to announce that I will be offering my very own line of very limited Dragon-themed action figures available in the 2nd Quarter of 2011, retailing at $6,500 each (probably a lot more).

My first five pop-culture dragon sets will be devoted to popular television series, pending serious licensing negotiations:

Television

• Dancing with the Dragons – featuring Dancin’ David Hasselizard
• Battlestar Draconica – robot dragons decimate the dragon race and have a lot of sex
• The Dragonpire Diaries – angsty teen dragons run through the woods a lot
• Dragon Who – time traveling dragon saves England for the 4,353rd time
• Hogan’s Dragons – imprisoned dragons have hilarious escapades with Nazi dragon captors

I’ll readily admit that I’m still in the concept stages for these things and am open to suggestions, but doesn’t this seem like something you could use to clutter your homes? But let’s get down to business… what sort of things are you dragon hoarders missing? You know, because I’m here for you*!!

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*not really