[rate 1.5]

I’m giving this stinker one and a half out of five clonks to the head.

Sure, the comic book character looks awesome; all the elements are there. The huge lantern jaw, strong as a tank, a nice bright color, a tail and a big old smashing fist. Better yet, he’s a guy’s guy…a regular joe with a heart of gold. He drinks beer, he saves kittens, he even writes love letters to the girl he loves…never managing to actually send them to her. He loves his “Dad” and keeps his horns neatly ground down.

So I’m wondering how Guillermo managed to write a screenplay that never made me care about anybody. I think that it was the tired old Nazi thing…sure, we all loathe Nazis, but we’ve seen them be the bad guys for so long now that they’re just plain comical.


I’ve never read the comic and I’m sure that a True Fan could explain to me why I should care about the Fishboy or Firestarter girl. Am I bothered by the young FBI agent’s interest in Firestarter girl? No.

Is there even a fascinating love triangle going on? Not that I can tell…just a mushed up bunch of looks and glances and never-executed relationship elements that were never even tested. Come on Guillermo, sure it’s a comic book but can’t you even try??

The scary monster(s)? Jumped up versions of the hell hounds from Ghostbusters. Yawn.

The bad guy? Rasputin? Please.

The cool bad guy? You know, the one who looks like he belongs to COBRA (from GI Joe)? About the best thing in the whole ding dang movie.

Good to see Ron Perlman back in makeup and down in a sewer again, too bad it was in a movie that just didn’t do it for me. I hope that Mike Mignola keeps making the comic and that he works for a long, long time. I was a fan back when he started drawing Batman (one of the only comics I collected in my youth).

My advice for you? Rent this, but rent it with another movie to use as a chaser. Maybe you should wait until 2006 and rent it just before Hellboy 2 comes out.

Yup, here comes the sequel.

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