I’d like to introduce you to a new product that I’ve only just recently invented called the “Love Ladder” – the newest erotic aid for loveplay since the…. um, well, I don’t know. But it’s a darned cracking sexy looking device, don’t you think? The box says that it’s fun for him and her! One size fits all! It’s hypoallergenic!! How can ladies resist? It’s runged for her pleasure for gosh sakes!!! Rrrrowwwrrr!!
“How do you get one of these things!!” you’re probably asking!!
Well, see, that’s where it gets kind of complicated.
Why don’t I tell you how I invented the Love Ladder first…..
One of my friends is a copy writer who divides her time between her home in Baton Rouge and a mid-rise condo on the northern edge of Atlanta’s Grant Park neighborhood. Several months ago she was shocked awake by the shriek of the building’s fire alarm and within minutes she’d joined the building’s other tenants out in the street to watch as the roof deck of their keen new building blazed away like one of those enormous signal fires from the movie “Return of the King”.
And while I’ve no doubt that somewhere in Midtown the Riders of Rohan were assembling to ride to the defense of the noble and ancient race of Grant Parkians, a bunch of Atlanta’s finest firefighters got there first and put the stupid blaze out.
The building survived, the water damage was repaired, and my friend posted several humorous stories about the aftermath of the event. She was particularly smitten by the firemen. One night I mentioned to her that she really ought to buy herself one of those escape ladders you see in all the Reader’s Digest articles about fire safety.
You know, the kind of ladders than nobody ever buys.
I went on to say that it would be a great gift to give her for the party she was talking about throwing herself before she left town to head back to Baton Rouge… so a few days later I hopped online and ordered a 2-story model. Rare is the occasion that I think of the perfect gift so when the ladder arrived I was so excited that I texted her that “a gift” I’d ordered for her had arrived from Amazon.
“You mean the ladder?” was her return text.
Dammit. The surprise of my perfectly hysterical, perfectly useful gift had been blown by my own big mouth during that previous visit…. but I wasn’t about to let her get the best of me. For the next few days I tried to think of ways I might produce the gift at the party, then I remembered that she’d been wanting to meet a hunky fireman. I figured that if I were a fireman the best way a civilian could get my attention would be through a combination of proper fire etiquette and skimpy stripper clothes.
So I hopped on Google and typed in “sexy ladder” and “nude ladder” and I eventually found a photo of a girl with a nice big rump holding onto a metal stepladder, looking backwards over her shoulder. One quick Photoshop session and several hours of tinkering in Adobe Illustrator yielded the first package wrap I’ve produced in a couple of years (I used to do this for the movies and commercials).
Most fun was the art direction for the device. It had to have the right blend of cheesy graphics and bewildering sales copy. My vision for the Love Ladder was that it would be a baffling backroom romantic toy whose exact purpose would remain clouded in mystery… I mean, what other frisky rig would feature a disclaimer that:
“The Love Ladder is not meant for creating lasting relationships and should not be used in emergencies or escaping from bad dates. Display of adult human genitalia from a height of more than 12 feet is unlawful in Manitoba, Saskatchewan, Alberta, Newfoundland and the Northwest Territories. Love Ladder may not be used for barter with the aboriginal peoples of Canada or its provinces. Please do not insert Love Ladder into your ****.”
So the party was this past Friday and my worries about the guests being offended by the Love Ladder were unfounded – the women in particular seemed to love it (though they did complain that it didn’t actually come with the “frisky shoes” featured on the packaging).
I’d consider selling Love Ladders online if the demand were strong enough, but I think the first point of order would be to find out whose picture it is that I grabbed for the cover and ask her where she bought her frisky shoes… after all, how is my friend going to meet a fireman without the entire Love Ladder package??
(I considered taking out the domain LoveLadder.com for the joke, but somebody registered that domain YEARS ago. There’s a person with vision. Maybe THEY would like to buy a Love Ladder…..)