These internet email ads are really a lot more interesting than I gave them credit…I got an email last night that really got me to thinking….the title of the email read: “feck longer & herder”.

Just WOW.
How did they KNOW that I was out of practice at being feckful? I used to pride myself on the amount of feck I could bring to the table, but for a year or two I’ve been hiding my fecker under a bushel. This email sounded promising, and your pal Drew really wanted to get his feck back, so I read the title again.

Yes, they’re definitely talking about feck, that was no misspelling….AND they say that they can help me feck longer and possibly in some arrangement involving sheep?! They MUST know that I have Scottish roots, I mean….

Wasn’t it Robert Burns who said “I hae been a Devil the feck o’ my life, Hey, and the rue grows bonie wi’ thyme’ ??

Sure Burns liked to drink, but “The feck o’ my life”?…man, I want that.
Doesn’t EVERYBODY? Don’t lie, it’s me you’re talking to…um, reading.

So anyway, I opened up the email.
Wow, whoever it was that sent this thing to me must have been a poet themselves. I hope it was a girl, I always like emails from girls…but who can tell when the email address is “X99Greppadd320832”? She must be European. Anyway, I hope she’s pretty because I’m already in love with her, I mean she started this relationship after all!

Pretty or not, she’s no poet.
This girl, (let’s call her Kachinka…because it sounds vaguely super-model-ish and edgy at the same time)….
Kachinka’s email was written in some jumbled-ass poetic meter that just went on and on and didn’t seem to make any sense at all.
It sure as heck didn’t rhyme.

Get this stanza:

“beaver lobo romeo waltz”?

What is THAT supposed to mean…”dance with the beaver Romeo”?? That’s crazy, who would send me an email inviting me to “dance with a beaver”? And where’s the information on helping me to FECK longer? Hellooooo? Kachinka not only couldn’t write poetry, she was obviously some kind of nutcase exotic animal lover who didn’t really care at all about helping me feck again. Kachinka, think about DREW first, okay?

Gah! It’s all so depressing. Internet girls are just weird.

Oh wait, things are looking up…new mail! Hmmmm, okay…
I just got a new email that says “Hot 18 Redhead Camel Toad”.
Damn, what is it with these internet girls and their exotic animals??

It’s emails like this that made me decide to look for regular girls here in town.
Time to settle down and work herder….
…I mean, HARDer. Well, you know what I mean.

Your best pal EVER,


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