For the past three or four months I’ve been getting emails reminding me of the approach of my 20th High School reunion, something I’m ambivalent about attending. While I appreciate the importance of the nostalgia attached to reuniting with kids from grade school, the ever-increasing onslaught of pre-reunion emails from the diligent planning committee are beginning to wear on my nerves. For instance, today I received a 20 item questionnaire that I’m supposed to fill out and send back to the organizing committee. I found myself writing down answers that I would love to send in if only I had the nerve. Thank goodness I have my own website.
Here are the questions along with my answers:
- What is the furthest you have traveled? London, England
- Where is the most unusual place you have traveled to? 1988 Pinewood Studios, set of “Batman”
- In how many different states have you lived? One: Georgia. And yet SOMEHOW you managed to miss letting me know about the first class reunion – not that I especially care.
- How long have you been married to your current spouse? I’m Single.
- How old is your current spouse? I already told you, I’m single. S-I-N-G-L-E. Seeeee-n-gullllllll.
- How many times have you been married? What, do I HAVE to have been married already??
- How many of these marriages were to fellow RSH ’85 alumni? Umm, you guys know that you *are* allowed to date outside the family, right?
- How many of these marriages were to RSH alumni? Seriously. You can even leave the state, didn’t you read questions 2 and 3?
- How many children do you have? Okay so you WANT me to have had bastard children?
- What are the names and ages of your children? Fine. You want names? How about “Stopasking”? and “Somanyquestions”?.
- How many RSH faculty/staff have you dated? Ewwwww, I just threw up in my mouth a little. Where did I lay down that phone number for Jerry Springer? I’m definitely not going to this reunion thing without at least one bouncer (y’all don’t know me!!!).
- What is the largest amount of weight you have gained? Lost? (Since graduation weight.) I have no idea what I weighed in high school – it was TWENTY FREAKING YEARS AGO for Pete’s sake!!!! – Just let it GO. Let’s talk about world events or art or something. What the hell kind of conversations are we going to be having at this stupid party anyway??
“Huh huh huh, you sure got fat…”
- How many plastic surgery procedures have you had? You’ve GOT to be kidding me. Do you seriously expect anyone to answer this question? Go ahead, try this around the girls with the nice noses and obvious cleavage – I want to see what happens.
- Have you had a hair transplant, wear a toupee or wig? ummm, nooo…. how old are YOU guys anyway??? Is there a question in here about dentures or plastic hips? I may be scheduled for the wrong reunion….
- What is your most drastic physical change, if any? I’m cooler than you guys now. WAAAAY cooler.
- What is the highest level of education you have achieved? Nothing special, a Bachelor of Science from the College of Architecture at the Georgia Institute of Technology (North Avenue Trade School).
- How many years of post secondary school have you attended? (Not degree. Actual # of years in school.) Six.
- How many different jobs (employers) have you held? Thirty? Forty? No lie – I got around.
- What is the most unusual job you have held? Squatting behind a parapet on the roof of the state capital tugging monofilament lines attached to the American and State of Georgia flags to make them look like they were blowing in the wind, accidentally dropping Kevin Costner to the ground inside a marble mine, bouncing a grenade off of Danny Baldwin’s forehead, slipping a wedding ring onto Morgan Fairchild’s finger every morning, catching a cottage made entirely from cheese. There are more but I can see I’m almost done with this quiz….
- Is there any additional information that your former classmates may find interesting/comical? I don’t remember any of their names? It sure makes ME giggle a little…
- Thanks for taking the time to complete these questions for us!! – Is that a question?
And no, these aren’t the answers I sent in…. probably good that I didn’t.