I care. I care a lot. About the Earth that is. You know, “The Planet” (differentiated in this discussion from “The Other Planets” by the omission of the adjective “Other”, just to be clear).

One of the specific aspects of The Planet that concerns me the most is its temperature. It keeps me up at night. No, really! It makes me wake up at 3:30am in pain and frustration…. mostly because I have a really nasty cold and can’t stop coughing because my room is too hot.

“Aha!” you cry, “then you belong to us, to our Society!”

“What society?” I stammer, unexpectedly caught in a first person narrative.

“Why, the Earth “Is Too” Getting Warmer Dammit Society,” you answer, hands on hips, caught between triumph and desperation.

Oh. Right. That Society.

Well sure… yes…. of course I do. But…. I’m not coming to your stupid meetings or wearing your gay T-shirts (gay in this context being the late 20th century slang for “stupid”, not the mid-20th century “homosexual” or the elder usage of the word meaning “giddily happy”, so pull your boxers out of your crack, Rosie).

I’m not singing in your hallelujah choir with your celebrity guest stars and your slideshow-toting Vice Presidents who, even if they do understand the complexity and uncertainty of the systems being studied by climatologists, seem to have prostituted themselves to the cult of celebrity instead of the order of Science.

Mostly it’s the feeling that I get that you’re all wearing Fashion Science, and that you’re already getting tired of how it fits you.

Not only do you guys seem to lack the necessary concept of Skepticism, you don’t even seem to be doing all the math on what’s really Green and what’s Popular. You’re letting the bloody Marketing Types tell you what to do to save the planet, instead of scientists.

“Buy this coffee for its immeasurable tiny contribution to preventing a hole in the ozone layer.”

“Drive this car for its reduced emissions, even if it requires more energy to produce it.”

“Believe this politician for his stance on Climate Change.”

“Admire this celebrity for her dedication to The Planet.”

The last time I checked, Marketing Types and Press Agents are the last people I want preaching to me about Science or leading witch hunts for those who don’t adopt their cause.

Do I want to join The Earth “Is Too” Getting Warmer Society? Maybe. Are there hot girls working the phones in the office?

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