Secrets of Grade School Hygiene

A few days ago I went to the dentist to get my teeth cleaned. For the last couple of weeks I’ve been having trouble flossing between my lower left molars and asked the hygienist to try to find and remove the obstruction. Thankfully, she was able to clear the area without invoking the dread whine of a 10,000rpm grinder. It was while she had her hands jammed deep inside my mouth, yanking industrial floss back and forth through my teeth, that I had a flashback of a McGuyver-esque substitute for dental floss that I discovered back in junior high. I decided that if I made it out of the chair alive I would share a few of my secrets of grade school hygiene with the world.
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Mary-Lynn Rajskub’s Amazingly Animated Ass

Mary-Lynn Rajskub Animated Ass
If you’re not a fan of the Fox television series ’24’ you’re probably unaware that actress Mary-Lynn Rajskub has become the gold standard for sexy nerd girls with her portrayal of super computer jockette Chloe O’Brien. Mary-Lynn’s pouty lips, her thousand pixel stare and breathless delivery of lines like “deactivation of the encrypted file relay” has ensured that she will forever be lusted after by pear-shaped code jockeys the world over (myself included). What’s funny is that I’ve done two shows featuring Mary-Lynn: the first was “Run Ronnie Run” (her scenes were shot in LA), and “Sweet Home Alabama”. It was on “Sweet Home” that I became forever fascinated with Mary-Lynn’s ass.
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Dimaggio, Mantle, Storch & The Jet-Set Crowd

Mickey Mantle and Larry Storch
I was putting some things in storage a few weeks ago and ran across a strange pair of autographs that my folks collected on vacation back in the 1970’s. My Dad often qualified for his company’s Achievement Club, a club whose members were rewarded with vacations to exotic spots like Acapulco and Puerto Rico. One year he and my Mom joined the other winners for a week in the Riviera. One night, while living it up eating handfuls of olives in a Monte Carlo casino, my Dad spotted baseball legend and coffee spokesman Joe Dimaggio across the room, flocked by fans of baseball (and perhaps coffee). Apparently the casino was full of the famous and near-famous because soon enough my Dad spotted baseball mega-legend Mickey Mantle seated in a booth over near the wall, relatively undisturbed and enjoying a drink with someone. In the same situation I would probably have left them both alone but thankfully my Dad went over to Mickey to get his autograph…
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Chef Tony

Chef Tony's Sushi
I think that I first tried eating sushi back in 1994 on the movie “The War” because Director Jon Avnet kept a personal sushi chef on staff for the run of the show. I remember being dumbfounded that some of you grips would risk life and limb blasting your ATVs through the Loganville rock quarry just to beat everyone else to the catering tent to eat raw fish for lunch. Idiots. Back then I couldn’t have named a single sushi restaurant in the Atlanta area, though I’m sure it had to be a fairly short list. A little more than ten years later it seems that everyone eats sushi without a second thought, so it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me to meet Chef Tony down at the Mikata Japanese Restaurant and Sushi Bar in Macon.
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Trogdor*Con 1997

Trogdor Con A few weeks ago I didn’t have anything to do and nobody was hanging around down at the Stick so I went downtown to Trogdor*Con to check out the babes. I was trying to drink a Cold One when this dude got all up in my face about standing in front of his booth. He was all, “Hey, Dumbledork, are you gonna, like, BUY something or are you just a stupid, like, guy or somethin’?” I looked down and there was this shirtless guy wearing a cool mask and typing something on a laptop computer… totally all DOS stuff too. It was weird. HE was weird. And he was selling stuff.
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Crazy in L.A.

Los Angeles has the well-earned reputation of being a haven for lunatics and people whose only contact with reality is the occasional natural disaster. As all the other highlights of my recent trip to LA’s sunny shores have subsided into distant two week-old memories, I find that I’m left with the piquant after-taste of lunacy. Three slight events stand out: I remember seeing a disoriented man in a Hollywood Starbuck’s, the “cane man” who shouted at anyone who came near him on the sidewalk (passed him twice, shouting “Rarrrrrr!!!” both times), but the big winner of the LA Weirdness Award for this year’s trip was the kid from the Puzzle Zoo down in Santa Monica….
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Actually…

For the last five or six years I’ve become fascinated with the common usage of the word “actually”. The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language defines actually as meaning “in fact” or “in reality” as well as “to convey wonder, surprise or incredulity” which is the way that you almost always see the word used in print. For example…
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Are You Guys For Real??

I don’t travel by air very often so when I do it’s always a new experience because there’s nothing more impermanent than airport layouts, regardless of locale. Atlanta’s Hartsfield International Airport seems to have achieved a permanent state of construction, somewhat similar to the Shikinen Sengu ceremony held in Japan’s Mie Prefecture every 20 years wherein the Kotai Jingu of the Ise Jingu Shrines are torn down and rebuilt a few feet away from their former location. Whereas the recurring razing and rebuilding of those Japanese temple buildings is steeped in rich tradition, Hartsfield International’s constant flurry of activity is grounded in something far more tangible to the modern man: money, power and security. That last part is what this article is about…
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